1.
Today I am feeling EXTRA tired, and therefore my
filter has collapsed. Maybe this is why I decided finally to blog. So your
welcome. Or watch out. I’m not sure which way this is gonna go.
Food:
2.
So, food. Right now I am eating a salmon patty, sautéed
yellow pepper and zoodles cooked in butter, chai tea with a huge tablespoon of
whole fat coconut milk, a jar of home brewed kombucha and a bowl of Kellogg’s
Rice Krispies with homo milk because I poured the milk before my two year old
could tell me she would prefer almond milk. And I’m too tired to fight this
morning.
The first things in my list are Whole30-ish,
Paleo-mostly. Kellogg’s Rice Krispies. Not so much. In fact, I haven’t settled
in my heart how exactly I am going to deal with (phase out?) some of those big
brand names because the food industry is seriously broken. They don’t care
about feeding people. But, I guess the point is that there is always juxtaposition
in our lives. Sometimes things are squeaky clean. Sometimes I eat Chinese food
smorg. Probably not this Lent, you know, the fasting and whatnot, and I haven’t
eaten Chinese since October when I started a Whole30 reset, but I do see it in
my future. I’m a little scared and a little excitedly expectant. Sort of like
knowing I am going to ride a roller coaster that is going to be so incredibly
fun and will most likely make me vomit after. That kind of good time.
3.
In the food vein, I just want to say that one
day, a few years ago, I sat in my living room and cried on my couch after
watching Julie and Julia because I
was so excited about the idea of food and writing and how I could combine the
two and my faith and write a cookbook about how amazingly these three things go
together and it was going to be brilliant and the best thing I could ever do
forever and ever amen.
I still love food. And writing. And Jesus.
But I have seen some of those food bloggers on the internets and in the
Instagrams who really have their shiz together. They GO for it, and this cooking/writing/Jesus
project of mine never took any shape beyond the tears on my couch and a few
impassioned discussions. Food is POWERFUL! I could tell you all about it some
time.
I haven’t developed any recipes. I haven’t
taken any food styling courses. I haven’t even done any serious writing.
Obviously without some serious changes to my life course, this little project
is not going to materialize. I mean, check out Cristina at The Castaway Kitchen. This girl
deserves all the props. She obviously works her tail off running after her food
dream, and it is amazeballs. I especially love how real and raw she can be, and
her energy is contagious. And I don’t even know her. And her recipes are
delicious, and so good for a body. Another amazing food person I follow is Danielle
Kartes of Rustic. Joyful. Food. This
gal is SO FUNNY! I can’t handle her Instagram stories. I wish we were best
friends.
Now. This is not to say that I feel like
the competition is too intense for me to jump into it. I mean, I would probably
have moments where I’d feel like this were the case, because let’s be honest,
the Competition. Is. Staggering. But I also listened to a podcast recently (Among
the Lillies - I think, but I don’t know which episode because I don’t
listen to them in order) and in the episode the girls were talking about how
there can never be enough beauty in the world, so don’t be scared to contribute
what I feel like God is calling me to contribute. Amen to that.
However I don’t
think I’ll be throwing my hat into the food blogging ring. I think putting all
that pressure on food would maybe ruin my relationship with it. And I’m just
starting to figure that out. So I’ll borrow some recepies from Cristina and Danielle
and from @thefeedfeed and Jaime Oliver and post a couple of pics
to Insta when I feel like oversharing my life. The end.
4.
Whole30. I just have to talk about it for a
minute. I sort of don’t want to because I feel like I am about to join a fad or
reveal how trendy I am or how much of a crazy-control person I am (anyone who
knows me knows how OUT of control I usually am! Yikes.) but I still need to
confess. I did one. A Whole30. And at first I thought, “This sucks balls.” I
was scared to start. As mentioned above, food has power, and I was under sugar’s
spell. I am a full blown sugar addict and I could not stop myself from eating
it out of control. If I had a bad day with the girls, I’d hide in the corner of
the kitchen and eat seven packages of fruit snacks, just shoving them in by the
packetful to try to sooth my angst. I used to hide mini Toblerone bars in my
dresser and eat four of them at night after everyone went to sleep - or any
time I got to leave the house solo I would stop at Walmart for a disgustingly
dry package of $1 powdered mini donuts and eat the whole package in the five
minute drive from the store to my house. Or get Twinkies at 7-11. Ew. The thing
is I wasn’t even happy eating these things. I’d feel gross after, I would only
enjoy the first bite or two, and then I would feel guilty about eating them.
Hence the hiding. Emotionally, I had a tough autumn, and I finally got to the
place where I decided I didn’t want to be controlled by junk food, and I wanted
my mental health to improve. I needed to get a handle on something. So I was
doing some reading, and everything was pointing to gut health and the things I ate
affecting EVERYTHING about me. From the obvious things like weight and cardiovascular
health, to mental health, infections, inflammation and all other aspects of life.
So I wanted to figure it out.
Whole30 didn’t require any purchasing of
anything. No supplements, no shakes, no meetings or communities to join. No
monthly fee. I didn’t even have to buy a book. I got them from the Library.
(Win!) And in fact, all the necessary information is on the website, so really,
there is nothing they are trying to hide. It is honestly just straight up food.
So after being in mourning for a couple of weeks at the prospect of not being
able to binge on whatever, whenever, and feeling like I could never be happy
with a restrictive food diet - even if it was just temporary - I decided that
this thinking was pretty messed up. Food should not - and in actuality does not
- determine if I have joy in my life. So I obviously needed to get this under
control. I bit the bullet. I did some food and sauce prep. I committed to 60
days instead of 30. Because honestly. I was sneaking around eating disgusting
donuts. 30 days of rehab wasn’t about to break this habit. It wasn’t the revelation
that many people claim it to be. As the first 30 days wore on, I still felt
angst-y, I still had huge sugar cravings, zits, and I have no way to measure
how well I sleep because I have small kids. Sleeping through the night is non-existent
in my world. By day 25 I was ready to quit. But since there were only five more
days until I would measure and weigh myself, I decided to hold on for those
next five days. On day 31, I stepped on the scale to see if anything had
actually changed. To my great surprise, I had lost 16 lbs. What? I didn’t even
feel like I looked different. And that made me feel self-conscience because if
my pants were still fitting me 16 lbs lighter, I must have been stuffing myself
into these things sausage-style all this time. Yikes. Also, how could I have
lost 16 lbs on a diet that didn’t count calories, and let me eat ALL the fats I
wanted? You guys. I was cooking everything in ghee, spreading it on all my
veggies, eating tablespoons of mayonnaise, and putting coconut cream into my
tea all the time. ALL THE TIME.
So I decided to keep going and stick out the
next month. Actually, I was going to do 66 days total, but Christmas stuff
started happening December 6 and that marked 60 days, so I kind of said, I’m
just going to do Christmas. I had clean meals in between days of feasting, and
I enjoyed myself, but by December 28th my tummy was in knots and I
went back to W30 full force for two weeks to recover. I meant to do a
reintroduction carefully and scientifically so I would know how things affect me,
but I failed at that. It was really hard to introduce grains without also
introducing dairy and sugar and Oh My! I obviously still don’t have the Food
Freedom that Melissa Hartwig talks about, but I have learned that I feel better
when I eat more veggies and protein and less grains - especially wheat - and
dairy. So I am kind of right there. Where I eat food. But I listen to my body
and if it doesn’t feel good, I eat a W30 type of meal and snacks for the next
while until I feel good again. I don’t have the exact information that I could
have gained, but I do have some valuable knowledge in my easily accessible repertoire
which I access frequently. And I have a strategy that I can easily get back to
if I am feeling out of control. Good things.
As for overall what my results were - since
October 9, I have lost about 28 pounds. My emotional state is much more even
keel. I also started tracking my menstrual cycle when I started W30 and I have
found that I am a nut job on the second last day of my period, and knowing that
that is just a bad day overall, I can get through it easier knowing it is just
hormones and not “me” or my failures that is making the day so BAD! My energy
level has also improved. I am able to get more of the stuff done around my
home. More laundry gets done. I vacuum now. The kitchen counters aren’t such an
insurmountable task, and getting out for walks and adventure is easier - if the
weather permits, which has been a whole thing for us this winter. Sometimes
(usually) I still struggle with sugar. Like those Welch’s Fruit Snacks have
trapped me in the kitchen once or twice since I started back to eating food
with added sugar, but now I recognize disordered eating patterns AND I don’t
have to feel guilty about them, I just use tools I have to move back in the
direction of food as fuel instead of crappy comfort for a crappy moment. I had
a phrase kind of hit me a couple of days ago - well, I don’t really remember
exactly how it went, but it was along the lines of there being no sense in allowing
a food choice to make me feel crappier on an already crappy day. Very eloquent.
I should really be a writer. Must have been the second last day of my period.
Ok. That was more than a minute. I guess it
depends on how quickly one reads. Maybe I’ll make it one post on its own.
Not Food:
5.
So I’ve also wanted to write about being a Creative.
What is a Creative (with a capital C) and how does one become one? How does one
know if one is one? How many times can one use one to describe oneself in
sentence anyway?
I have often felt a bit like I have serviceable
skills in a number of areas and no real exceptional skills in any particular
area. This might be true. For some reason I have this idea that there should be
SOMETHING that is my one incredible exceptional talent. I don’t know where I
picked it up. Maybe the same place “they” try to teach us that there is only
one true love out there for each person. The B.S. factory.
What does this have to do with being a
Creative? Well, I guess it is thinking that I should have one kind of art that I
do and do well. Like make it a career well. I often lay awake fantasizing about
how I will make a job out of my creative pursuits. Here is the thing. I don’t
have a specialization, and so I often doubt that I will be able to ACTUALLY
sell any of the things I make. I like to make. I like it a lot. I make all
kinds of things, but I am an amateur at all the things I make. I took up
knitting a few years ago, but I don’t make my own patterns I just make ones I
find for free online. And I haven’t even finished a project bigger than a
toque. For a baby. But I’m close. I don’t think I could sell knitting anyway.
I’ve been making cloth dolls for my girls.
I like to bind leather covered books. I write. Making things makes me happy. It
is a life giving thing.
I have been falling in obsessive love with
pottery. Like I think about it all the time. I stress out about glaze fires to
the point of glazing and re-glazing pieces after laying awake at night thinking
about how I did it wrong. But I am still an amateur. Just learning the ropes. The
thing is, I will always be an amateur if I don’t put the work into something.
The woman at my pottery guild who inspires me said there is a book out there
that says it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. That is five
years of full time work. Will it take me the equivalent of five years of full
time work to become a Creative? Do I need to settle down and just work on ONE
kind of creativity?
One of the things I really want to do is start
selling pottery because I honestly don’t have room to keep it, and I’d like for
this obsessive habit to cost me zero money. But am I good enough to do it? This
makes also makes me sound cheap. I am. I want to be generous and give pieces to
everyone I know, but I only know so many people. And they might not want my
attempts at pottery in their homes. SO if I sell it, people will pick pieces
they actually want and I will feel accomplished. Like I’m a real Creative.
Is being a Creative equivalent to selling
one’s work? Probably not. If the statement I mentioned above, “there can never
be too much beauty in the world” is true, just the act of making, or the way in
which we “do” the things we do should be the definition of being a Creative. I
guess by our nature, we are all Creatives, styled after the greatest Creator of
All.
Perhaps the lesson for me here is to worry
less (stop worrying and wondering completely) about defining myself by my own
means or by how saleable I am or by some social construct. There is a deeper,
truer truth about who I am. Help me settle into that. And maybe sell a few
pots. And maybe a doll. Or a book. How does one create and Etsy shop anyway?
6.
Often when I am writing, I am tempted to use the
pronoun “you.” As if I can define you all by my experiences or by some general statement
or universal feeling. I am trying real hard to stop it. When I write word “you”
in my pieces now, I go back and try to change the pronoun to “I”. This is my
story anyway. And, I don’t need to project onto you how you feel or what you
should do when really, these writings are mostly cathartic exercises for me and
a chance to analyze and come to terms with some aspect of my life. Anyway. I
feel a bit like it is rude and presumptuous to put you into my head.
7.
I don’t know if any of this has been useful, but
I have been thinking about all of these things for months and it was finally
time to put them out there. If you made it to the end, you are a champion! God
bless you, heal you and free you.
Peace.
